The Darkest Hour
by Dallirious
Summary: Everything has a beginning and an end, everyday has it's darkest hour. A/N: Continuation of my fic 'The Hardest Part'
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** The Darkest Hour  
**Disclaimer:** Battlestar Galactica, and its characters, don't belong to me. Which kind of sucks, but I'm dealing with it.  
**Pairing:** Roslin/Adama  
**Rating:** Teen  
**Summary:** Everything has a beginning and an end, everyday has it's darkest hour.

**A/N:** Takes place after 'The Hardest Part'

* * *

They walked together, arms linked, but seemingly not as close as they usually did. There was a silent battle between them. He needed the comfort only she could provide, and she needed to be left alone. Nobody could win unless one backed down. But neither would allow the other what they wanted.

"There are other ways to do this…"

"A cremation was never on the table," Had she not been drained of energy, then maybe her words would have sounded more like a growl than a harsh whisper. It seemed she didn't have the energy for most things. "Can we just do this please?"

He intended to speak, say something more in an attempt to talk her out of the darkness she was in. Yet it was futile. No words could provide a light strong enough to guide her back to him. In his heart he feared she would never return completely. Death changed people, particularly those who were already dying. As the one already marked by death, she was supposed to go before all others. He'd sat outside Galactica's guest quarters, listening to her scream in her sleep. He knew that's what plagued her.

Those screams haunted his own dreams when he happened to sleep. Sometimes, in his dreams, he held her in his arms in an attempt to calm her down. But nothing could stop the bloodcurdling scream that echoed through the corridors at night. Nothing could calm her down, and she had made it clear he was not to touch her.

As they stepped onto the deck the few people who had arrived before them fell silent. They made their way down the aisle, and she quietly sat in the front row. In an instant she'd crossed her arms and pulled away from him slightly.

A young pilot knelt beside her chair, bowing her head slightly. "Madame President, I'm probably the last person you'd like to see right now," It taken days for Racetrack to find a time when she could talk to the President. Days of people trying to convince her it wasn't her fault. "But I just wanted to say, how deeply sorry I am for what took place…"

Laura's hand rested against the young woman's cheek, silencing her request for forgiveness. She smiled, though the misery in her eyes remained, and moved to press a kiss against Racetrack's forehead. "There was a problem with the Raptor," She said softly, brushing back the Lieutenant's hair as if she was a child. "You did what you had to do. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise."

For the first time Bill realised just how far Laura was willing to push him away. It didn't matter what the facts were. In her mind it was his raptor that had collided with her ship. He was to blame. He clenched his jaw as Racetrack nodded and Laura continued to talk to her quietly. Guests were taking their seats. It was time to begin the service. He sat beside Laura, taking her hand in his. He could feel the muscles in her hand clench at his touch but refused to let go. He would not let her push him away.

There was slow, painful, music playing as the body was brought forward, yet Laura didn't hear it. Lee and Kara had been chosen to lay the body to rest at the altar. She felt sick to her stomach. Her heart pounded against her chest and echoed throughout her body. Her own body already so weak from the returned cancer, felt as though it had already begun shutting down. If she thought about it, really thought about it, she'd realise she couldn't feel her toes. The feeling of Bill's hand on hers was no longer there. He remained holding her hand, but there was no feeling.

Small things broke through her defences – Lee speaking, and people laughing quietly. What was there to laugh about? Death wasn't funny. She glanced down at her lap. Her hand lay there, wet, and it occurred to her she was crying. There was no façade in front of the people around her. The President was not in attendance. Laura Roslin was a woman in mourning and she refused to allow a Political mask to hide her away. However Bill saw it as Laura having no energy to keep up the pretence. She was wasting away without the strength to do anything more than keep herself alive, and silently he wondered when that would end.

They stood together, more out of habit then anything else. She wasn't entirely sure why they were standing, but he was still holding her hand and she followed without argument. It was confusing. Everything was rushing by so fast. She wasn't ready for it all to end. Bill let go of her hand, moving to remove the section of the Colonial Military flag that covered her head. As the material was pulled back, Laura felt her heart constrict. It felt as if someone was wrapping it in barbed wire. It was becoming harder and harder to breathe, and all of a sudden time seemed to slow.

Soft red hair fell in waves, framing the small child's face. Freckles littered her little cheeks from their time on New Caprica, her cheekbones had only just started gaining definition. If her eyes had been opened they would have sparkled, an uncanny shade of icy blue. In an instant she would have the entire room laughing, flashing a toothy grin at her parents.

Laura dropped to her knees at the altar, her hands clasped together over her daughter's stomach. The cry of a heartbroken mother echoed throughout the deck. "Merciful Hera," She cried out, an unknown power filling her voice. "Mother to mother, take my child in your hands this night. Keep her safe as she crosses to the Elysian Fields. Guide her from darkness…" She lowered her head as her heart tore its final shreds within her chest.

Pain ripped through every inch of her body. The emotion was overwhelming. All she wanted was for her little girl open her eyes. Open her eyes and smile at her. She needed to know her baby was going to be okay. She needed to keep her close. They were taking her daughter away from her. She was desperate to hold onto her, desperate to keep her flesh and blood by her side.

Her hands moved to the child's face. Slowly she stood up, her legs shaky. Her fingers caressed the cold features of her only child. "Sweet dreams baby," She whispered as she pressed a kiss to the girl's cheek. "I'll be with you soon."

"Lords of Kobol," Bill's spoke up, as Laura covered the child's head. "We commit the body and soul of our child Grace Adama to you. Carry her safely until we are with her once more."

There was silence. Laura glanced up at Bill and she knew there was more to be said. Neither of them could find the words to complete the service. The thought occurred to her that if they didn't end the service then she wouldn't have to say goodbye. But it had to be done. As she tried to speak a whimper escaped her throat, and she looked back down at the covered body.

Kara glanced at Lee, confused. Something had to be done. Family had to complete the ceremony. It was Colonial tradition when it came to the death of a child. She nudged Lee slightly and he glanced up at her, tears in his eyes. He was in no state to do anything. Taking a deep breath as she stood up, Kara moved to Laura's side and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. "As the body leaves us, the spirit lives on in our memories," She declared, watching as Bill and Laura bowed their heads. "We live for those we lose, and their memory shall strengthen us in times of darkness. So say we all." The echo of her final words filled her with hope as they were repeated throughout the congregation.

The body of Grace Adama was lifted from the altar and carried into the airlock. Laura followed her first instinct and turned slightly, hiding her face against Kara's shoulder. The young woman's hand ran up and down her back. For the first time since her daughter's death she was letting someone comfort her, and still it didn't feel right.

Fire erupted in Bill's heart as he glanced at Laura. She had turned to Kara for support without question. So many times, since it happened, he had offered her his strength and she had fought him. He needed her. She was his family, and they had lost their daughter. Even if she slapped him in the face and told him she blamed him. He needed something, some form of reaction from her. Treating him like he didn't exist was causing more pain then he could handle. He turned his attention to his daughter's body, about to disappear forever.

It was time.

There was a familiar sound and she looked up. There was no doubt in her mind that she had to witness it for herself. As the airlock opened Laura felt her world slipping away. The carefully wrapped body of her child was suddenly sucked into the darkness. She exhaled hard, almost as if she was removing every ounce of oxygen from her system, and doubled over. Her arms wrapped around her stomach and she cried.

The Gods were cruel and heartless. She didn't want Grace going into the arms of the Gods that took her life. Parents were supposed to wait for their children in the afterlife, not the other way around. Her cry was one of anger as she felt Kara's arms around her. She needed to escape. She had to get away from them all.

She needed to get away from them all.

All the people saying how sorry they were for her loss, as if they knew. As if they really knew how she was feeling. There were no words to express the pain she was in, just as there were no words to make it go away. Yet mindless people expressed their sympathies for lack of anything better to say. Moving around in small groups and watching her. Commenting on how little sleep she must be getting, and how much weight she's lost since losing her daughter. What did any of them know? It wasn't like spilling your drink on someone at a party. You couldn't just apologise and laugh it off. There was nothing to apologise for. Still they said it every time.

Without waiting and without stopping for any one, she walked away from them.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** Italics are flashbacks

* * *

As soon as she'd made it into the corridor she was running. The fact that she had lost her heels somewhere and was running in bare feet didn't dare cross her mind. All she knew was that she was running, breathing all the air she could, and sprinting as if her life depended on it. The last time she'd run so fast had been when her father and sisters died. The idea was to run until you no longer could.

Bill grabbed her arm as he followed her into his quarters. He'd been surprised to find her heading in that direction. Holding on to her wrist he spun the lock on the hatch and pulled her into his arms.

"LET GO OF ME!" She screamed at him, jerking her arm to try and get free. "You don't get to control me… you don't get me at all… LET GO!" Her free hand flew though the air punching him in the jaw with a surprising amount of force.

Rather then let go of her, he moved so that he had her pushed up against the bulkhead. "I lost a daughter too Laura," He growled at her. "You're not the only one that's hurting!"

"You don't know what I'm feeling," She pushed hard against him but he refused to move. "Get. Off. Me."

"My patience it wearing thin Laura," Bill moved closer to her, pinning her to the wall and making her squirm. He hadn't intended to get angry with her, but when she'd yelled at him he couldn't stop himself. "I know you're mourning and you want your space but did you even think for one second that maybe I want you? When Zak died I had no one, and so help me Laura if you make me go through that again…" He faltered, and glanced away from her.

Laura stopped fighting him, and as he turned back to look at her she couldn't stop the tears that began to fall. It was a combination of depression and fear. "You have a family… you have Lee and Kara…" She whispered, looking straight into his eyes. "I lost Billy, Elosha, Maya, and now…" She couldn't say the name, and that realisation caused her to freeze.

"Lee and Kara are your family," Bill frowned, without thinking his hands tightened on her arms. "We're family Laura." He searched her eyes for some kind of recognition, a sign to tell him she was listening. When all he found was a broken heart, he pulled her into his arms and held her tight.

It took her a moment to ease into the embrace, allowing her tense muscles to relax. She laid her head against his shoulder and simply breathed. Inhale, hold it, exhale… it was as if she was only just beginning to open her lungs to the air around her.

"She was the only thing that gave me hope on New Caprica," She said quietly after a few moments of silence. "I'd think you wouldn't leave her there, you'd come back. Then when she said her first word… the passion you could hear in her just saying 'Dada'… then I knew you were coming back. She knew it."

"Because she was a smart girl just like her mother," Bill told her, dropping a kiss on the top of her head. He'd missed out on so much time with his little girl because of the damn Cylons. Everyday they were gone he'd thought about them, thought of ways to get back to them. "I love you Laura." He whispered.

"I'm sorry…"

"You have nothing to be sorry about," He said quickly. "You're more than entitled to be angry with me."

Laura pulled back, shaking her head, but as she looked up at him she couldn't find the words to argue. "Do you mind if I lie down?" She asked quietly.

"You don't need to ask," His hand caressed her cheek, and he smiled at her softly. "Do you want water?"

"No," She replied simply. "I just need to close my eyes for a minute."

He nodded and stepped away, letting her head towards his rack - their rack. Not that it had been theirs since the accident. It seemed it had become just his again. He shook his head and moved to pour himself a drink. As he walked his boot hit something on the floor and it scattered across the room into the corner, Grace's corner. He wasn't sure how the block had gotten so far away. No one had touched them, to his knowledge anyway. He moved to the corner and crouched down to inspect it. Blocks and half finished drawings lay scattered on the floor, the marks of a girl almost two years old. One of the drawings caught his eye and he picked it up carefully.

A clearly defined table was scratched out on the middle of the page. At one end sat a stick figure that could only be Laura and at the other, he supposed, was himself. The blue coloured scratch marks clearly indicating his uniform with a gold cross for his wings. In between them, seated together at the table, were three more figures - Lee, Kara, and Grace. She'd never included Dee in her pictures and no one was sure why. They just made sure not to show Dee the ones that involved the family.

* * *

_"Daddy!" She squealed and threw a block at his feet to get his attention. "Pic-sure!"_

_"Another one?" He laughed holding out his arms as she got up and ran to him. "We're going to run out of space to put your pictures you know."_

_"Oh fwak," Grace slapped her hand against her forehead._

_"Don't let your mother hear you say that," Bill said quickly, sitting his daughter on his knee. "Or Daddy will get in lots of trouble."_

_"No Daddy twuble."_

_"Yes he will…"_

_"No Daddy," Grace told him firmly. "Kara twuble."_

_"Why's Kara in trouble?" Laura asked as she stepped out of the head, drying off her hair. She noticed the mischievous look in Grace's eyes and sighed. "Has Kara taught her another word?"_

_"Don't look at me," Bill shrugged as best he could with his daughter in his arms. "I thought she'd learned her lesson after Grace publicly called Zarek an ass…"_

_"Daddy!" Grace shouted, pressing her little hands against his mouth. The annoyed expression on her face made her look a little too much like her mother. "Not 'loud say." She told him sincerely._

_"Good girl Gracie," Laura quickly kissed her daughter's cheek as she walked past them. "I think Daddy should go sit in the corner, don't you?" She asked with a cheeky grin._

_"No put Daddy in cowner," Grace sighed dramatically and shook her head. "Daddy big boy, not baby."_

_"So only the baby goes in the corner?" Fixing her hair to her satisfaction, Laura moved back to the couch and sat down next to them._

_"Gwacie go cowner when see bad," She explained to her mother, leaning forward slightly. "But I no baby… no baby on Gacta."_

_Bill chuckled at his daughter's attempt to say Galactica. It was much better than when she'd simply called it 'GacGac'. "Nobody's going to the corner. We're going to have a nice quiet morning."_

_"Good luck with that," Laura checked the clock on the side table before pulling her feet up under her and resting her head on Bill's shoulder. "She slept all night so she's going to be bouncy."_

_"We can handle bouncy," Bill announced with a little more confidence then he should have. "Little Red's always a good girl for me."_

_"Ah then she should come to 'Gacta' more…"_

_"Me come Gacta mo?" Grace asked in excitement, moving across Bill's lap and sliding into the small gap between her parents. "We wive Gacta wif Daddy?"_

_"Only if you're a good girl…"_

_"I aways good!"_

* * *

Bill considered the picture for a moment longer, carrying it with him as he went back to pouring himself a drink. His hands shook slightly and more then a few drops of ambrosia landed on the desk. Sitting in his chair he placed the drawing on his desk. It needed some form of frame, but he wasn't sure who would be making them. Possibly a carpenter could make a good wooden frame. He glanced back at Grace's corner.

_"Unc Jack make my bocks," Grace held up one of her brand new blocks with a grin._

Maybe Cottle could find some time to make a frame for him. But who had time any more? Bill took a mouthful of his ambrosia. For some reason it tasted bitter, but he didn't care. A drink was a drink and he needed a good one.

Laura had every right to be angry with him. It was his Raptor after all. It didn't matter who flew it because Racetrack was his pilot, and it didn't matter who fixed it because they were his crew. In essence it really was his fault. It was his fault that one of his Raptors malfunctioned and collided with another ship. It was his fault that he didn't make sure Laura and Grace lived with him on Galactica.

Another mouthful of ambrosia slid down his throat with ease. He glanced over to his rack, only to see Laura fast asleep with a small frown gracing her delicate features. No doubt she was going to have another nightmare. But he knew better than to touch her.

It was his fault that his wife recoiled from the slightest touch.

* * *

_She was laughing. They were supposed to be working, but then Tory had remember some ridiculous joke she'd heard and decided to lighten the mood. That was probably what woke her. It was probably why she ventured out of bed. Laura hadn't thought about it until it was too late._

_"Mommy I 'fwaid," Grace appeared by the curtain, hugging her pillow. "You seep wif me?"_

_"Gracie there's nothing to be afraid of," Laura spun around in her chair. "You were supposed to be asleep two hours ago."_

_"But too dark…" Grace stamped her foot. "I wan' stay wif you."_

_"Grace Evelyn Adama," Laura crossed her arms. "You've been messing about all night. If you don't go back to bed this instant I'm going to ring Daddy and tell him we're not having family dinners any more."_

_"No Mommy! No!"_

_"Then off to bed with you and I don't want to hear another peep until morning," She levelled her daughter with her best glare and waited until she'd disappeared behind the curtain again. "I don't know what I'm going to do with her. It was so much easier when I wasn't the President." She sighed as she turned back her desk._

_"Lots of people have done it before you, so don't start whining." Tory laughed and threw some files on her desk. "I can sit with her until she goes to sleep if you want?"_

_"No, she needs to learn…"_

_A flash and Tory was bringing it to her attention._

_The Raptor was approaching Colonial One fast. She was frozen and in her mind she heard her daughter calling her as the two ships collided. Everything burned - the air around her constricting as she tried to determine where she was going._

_People were pulling her…_

_Her head was spinning…_

_Grace was screaming…_

* * *

As suddenly as it began, it was over. Laura found herself staring at the wall in Bill's quarters and screaming. Her heart raced, and it took her a moment to tell herself that she needed to be quiet. Everything was still fresh in her mind. The explosion, the heat, the panic… and as she stopped screaming her body began to shake. Tears glistened in her eyes before dropping to the pillow she had curled herself against.

If only she hadn't been so harsh with Grace, then she would have been sitting in her lap when it happened. She would have survived. It was her fault that their daughter was dead. All she had to do was hold her in her arms just for a few minutes then they would have made it out of there together.

Laura buried her head into the pillow and cried with all the energy she had left.

She'd put work before her daughter when all Grace needed was a few minutes of her time. The child was scared of being left alone. Sure she need to learn to go to sleep without a story, but she wasn't even two there would have been plenty of time.

There would have been…

"What have I done?" Her words were muffled against the material she pressed herself against. Each sob vibrated through her body, a strong headache was beginning to form but she couldn't stop. It was all her fault.

They were too much alike to not think on the same level, even in the worst case imaginable. As she cried into her pillow and he into his ambrosia, they silently shared the same prayer. Two lost souls cried out for forgiveness, both blaming themselves and neither knowing how to express their darkest thoughts.

* * *

**A/N:** And that's the end of this. For now.


End file.
